Okay. So our lead character is dead. Eaten by a shark. So we need a new lead. Suddenly a man possessing all of the qualities required for a lead in a story better than this one appears as if from nowhere on a boat fashioned from only sticks and bits of deer (but don’t worry, I’m pretty sure it’s not the deer from last week. Hopefully we’ll see him later in this epic adventure. If not, it’s a pretty safe bet that he was used for our protagonist’s marvellous vessel. So our hero, Martinsomebody, arrives like a Greek/Nordic legend combined. Well, that’s not completely true. (Sorry, I was thinking of spicing it up a little but I have to be true to the facts.) He actually arrives like a tiny man on a crap boat that actually sinks in the not-so-distant future – but don’t worry, our hero doesn’t drown. So anyway our hero, Mark or Stuart or whatever the hell his name is, reaches the Forest of Forgetfulness (a crap name I know but that’s what it’s called – true story). It’s not really a forest any more though as most of it is underwater. In fact, all that can be seen are a few treetop-like tufts of leafage protruding from the water like bad chest hair. So, Mark is floating along without a care in the world when his boat hits a tree, snaps in two, and begins to sink. By some rotten luck our hero’s shoelace becomes tangled around the larger half of what was once a boat and he sinks with the boat like a man tied to a sinking boat. On the way down he sees the trees underwater.
“What a beautiful forest!” he says, his trap instantly filling with water before he has chance to close it again.
A few seconds before he is due to lose consciousness (and die from drowning, which is the way he was originally supposed to go), he sees a man eating shark (the worst kind) swimming towards him through the trees. The shark looks menacing in a way only a man-eating shark can manage. Stuart doesn’t remember much after that as he’s dead, and in the Forest of Forgetfulness. And this is where our story ends unless someone else comes along to make a brief and truly pointless appearance…
No… Thought not. Okay. See you next week for the final part of this beautiful love story.
(“Where’s all the love?” I hear you ask. Well, don’t worry. As it’s the final part next week I’m pretty sure some love will show its face, unless the title is just a big lie and there isn’t any love, just lots of crap characters that die before we even have chance to memorise their names. Okay, so next week is all about the love.)
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